Here it is:

For those who have been fortunate to never have seen this on a flight, this is an armrest with controls to the display nested in it. As you can imagine, many accidental interactions occur because it’s on the armrest. Depending on your thoughts on middle seat armrest etiquette, the middle seat person often “owns” the armrest with control of a neighboring seat’s display.

This controller’s placement can cause so much chaos. Unlike many bad designs that you can avoid and often have a workaround without affecting other people (and often forget about it immediately after), avoiding this one could affect the user’s use of the armrest throughout the flight. Making it worse, the splash zone of this design also extends to neighboring passengers.

• The controller includes brightness so sleeping passengers may unintentionally turn up their display (or their neighbors) waking up everyone around them.

• I’ve had a stranger change the channel and turn up the volume on my display while they were sleeping (I didn’t have the heart to wake them up to remedy the situation).

• Since armrests tend to be used frequently, these controllers are often worn down and sometimes dysfunctional.

• Another minor thing is that a middle seat can’t easily determine which remote controls their display.

In most poorly designed products, I often try to empathize with the designers and people who built them. Most of the time, I can rationally brainstorm reasons for the design; these often include saving on development/cost, blindly following system patterns, and adjusting for legacy systems.

In this case, maybe the designers wanted controls on the armrest to avoid any potential disturbance of pressing the controls to the person sitting on the seat where the display is mounted. Or there was no space next to the display; though they were able to fit in a credit card reader on one side (That feature didn’t age well either).

The team had to make major adjustments to get the controls to the armrest. The controller is most likely wired in some fashion. The controller could be directly connected to the display, which would add a non-trivial amount of cabling for each seat. The controller could be wirelessly connected to the display, which could add more complexities for what could go wrong; but the controller would still likely be wired to a power source in this scenario.

I have a difficult time understanding how a team can go out of its way to add complexity and put the controllers on the armrests to produce such an awful experience. Maybe the team that built these armrest controllers put the highest priority on reducing disturbance to the passenger in the seat of the display. Maybe no one on the team was an armrest user. Maybe worse, someone was incentivized to add complexity (e.g. financially). Most likely, the controls were an afterthought, or the display and control teams were completely siloed. No matter the reason, the outcome was a poor customer experience.

I would love the opportunity to speak to anyone who was involved in the design of the armrest controller on planes. It could be an interesting story of how organizations can make poor decisions.

Thankfully, most modern planes have touchscreens or no screens at all. But for those who are interested, there have been other iterations of controllers on planes. Some planes have the controller on the side of the armrest; better than on the top but still a dreadful experience. Other planes have the control next to the display. Some have a detachable controller (as seen below); though, this is probably a nightmare with losing them.

What designs have you been frustrated with lately? (I know I have a running list, but this one has been on my mind for many years.)

Refer a friend

In the book, he explains the habits that made Bryant and Jordan so great. Much of the time, they were relentless and didn’t let the mainstream dictate their process. Some habits were more obvious than others. They trained more intensely than others. They carefully planned their food around games. Bryant flew to the Staples Center by helicopter for every home game to gain an advantage over his opponents.

If you have seen photos of Bryant or Jordan (or watched them play), you’ve probably seen them resting. Growing up watching them play, I noticed they always grabbed their shorts when resting (Bryant and Jordan); this was different from all the other athletes who often rested their hands on their knees.

It turns out that the habit of grabbing the shorts was intentional (discovered from Grover’s book). It reduces pressure on the knees while allowing deep breaths to recover faster.

I love little details that differentiate the best from the rest.

Refer a friend

So what's involved in photography besides going out and clicking the shutter?

Preparation:

• Cleaning all the gear: I love my Rocket Air Blower, MagicFiber Clothes (The gray one can be used for adjusting white balance), and Lenspens. It's relaxing too.

• Prepping gear: Charging batteries, replacing and formatting CFExpress/SD cards, replacing lens filters when needed, packing all equipment needed (and double-checking everything). For carrying, I use a Peak Design Backpack (I have the first version) and a Pelican case (which I’m looking to replace).

• Location Scouting: It could be months before the shoot and planning to be at a specific location at a certain time of the year. Some of the best tools for scouting, Google Maps and TPE.

• Subject Scouting/Research: Finding subjects to photograph can be difficult. For people, it’s important to do as much research to be prepared (particularly for events).

• Prepping mindset: Depending if it's a new type of photography, you may take more time to get mentally prepared. Even if you've photographed similar things in the past, you still want to review and think about how you can improve this time around.

Taking photos

Post:

• Upload/Backup Photos: You must ensure your photos are safe and ready to edit.

• Culling/Editing: As someone who doesn’t do photography full-time, I try to cull and edit my photos within 24 hours of shooting. This usually means I'm editing when most people are sleeping, but it forces me to get it done (or else it may not get done at all). This can be tolling. This is probably the most time-consuming of the entire process. (For this, I use Photo Mechanic and Lightroom)

• Organizing/Curating: I need to work on organizing photos better by spending time filling out keywords and creating titles. Curating the photos and where photos will be used can be consuming too. Creating my two annual photo albums would be much less effort if I organized throughout the year.

• Exporting: The edited RAW photos have to be exported into more convenient formats like JPEGs. Luckily, Lightroom makes it easy along with SmugMug's Lightroom plugin. This can take a while, but I don't have to be actively watching my computer during exports.

• For sports photography, this process is much quicker when I’m photographing for a wire or team. I caption photos and upload them between periods and immediately after the game. Sometimes, I edit and upload within seconds of a play. Learning this has greatly sped up my workflow in other types of photography as well.

• Sharing: This includes sharing on social media. I love going through photos with Dr. Viv; it continues to be one of my favorite pastimes.

• Every year I create two photobooks of my favorite photos (one of people and one of places). This allows me to see my photos printed and share it with people in ways that digital screens cannot.

Learning:

• Learning about new tools and gear can be fun, but I'm constantly looking at photos to see how to improve. Sometimes, I’m critiquing my photos, and other times, I look at other photographers' work on Instagram/YouTube/Getty/Flickr/etc.

• Photobooks: I combine two passions by visiting libraries to look at photobooks. Magazines tend to provide more modern photography.

• Connecting with other photographers: I need to get better at this

Note: Product links are affiliated links.

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But think of the little moments you could have made in other people's lives. It doesn't have to cost much money or take significant work. It may feel inconsequential to you, but it could mean the world to them.

I wonder if I created any of these moments as a mentor to grade school kids.

As a photographer, I have the opportunity to create so many little memories. Whether that is offering to take a family photo while I’m out for walk or sneaking a photo of someone I know at a game. It only takes me a few seconds to get a professional photo of them, but it creates so much joy (though, I do need to value myself better as a photographer).

It could be as positive as it is negative. When someone you respect says you can do anything can be equally as negative as someone who says you can't do it.

Some little moments that greatly affected my life:

• The middle school science teacher who thought I needed glasses and took action

  • Without glasses, I’m not sure I would be where I am now.

  • Also, it took that long for someone to notice?!

• 7th grade middle school teacher teaching that algebra is easy, you just have to solve for x

  • This teacher unknowingly taught me the most memorable lesson I learned in grade school

  • I continue to think about this when looking at problems

• Years ago, after some employees were laid off, I overheard one of those colleagues state their secret phrase to get into their account as "No good deed goes unpunished". It was one of the most emotional moments I have ever experienced, particularly since I just started my job a few months prior, and I didn't have many responsibilities. Unlike many of those who were laid off, I didn't have a family to support.

I’m not one to ruminate on things often, and my memory isn’t the best for stuff I don’t find meaningful. However, it is interesting how such small moments greatly affected my life.

Refer a friend

Often, wedding speeches are not about the couple. Many times, the parents of the couple use them to brag about their own child. I’ve heard parents list out their child’s accomplishments like a resume (e.g., went to X school, got a Y degree, got a job as a Z).

While it is admirable for parents to want to show how proud they are of their children (leaving out that listing resume items probably isn’t the best way to express your love), weddings aren’t the best forum. I firmly believe speeches should be about the couple and how things have changed since then.

With that said, there are not enough occasions to express our love outwardly to people in our lives. But maybe we shouldn’t need special occasions to do so. It feels unnatural (particularly coming from a Chinese household), but I have been intentionally showing admiration and appreciation to others more often.

Though, it doesn’t hurt to have milestones like birthdays and anniversaries as a trigger/reminder to show love. And hopefully, weddings are not happening repeatedly…

How are you displaying love/admiration/appreciation in your life?

Refer a friend

I struggle to have favorites because I love the diversity of life. It could be food, books, places, podcasts, movies, shows, and, of course, photography.

Here’s several explanations of some of the photography I like:

• Sports

  • Obviously, I love watching the talent and skill of the athletes and watching the result of many hours of training and practice. I love the passion of the athletes and also the fans.

  • Fundamentally, it is most important to capture the action of the sport. But it also allows for many opportunities for creativity. Outside sports often comes with different types of lighting.

  • To an outsider, sports can look chaotic. But more often than not, it’s completely organized. Athletes have their routines. Large sporting events are often planned to the second. I love seeing the logistics of sporting events.

  • There are many plays in sports, so the feedback loop of getting better is short and frequent.

  • Sports photography is fast-paced. So is the post-processing of the images. Because sports photos need to be timely, I find the process of getting photos quickly out exhilarating (depending on the client, photos need to be captioned).

• Music

  • Similar to sports, I love the passion for the craft.

  • As a less-than-amateur flute/piano/oboe/trombone player, I have a personal appreciation for musicians. I love how deeply musicians get into their music.

  • The lighting of musical performances is essential. It adds to the atmosphere and allows for creativity in photography.

• Landscapes

  • I love the slow pace of most landscape photography. I often use landscape photography to slow down life and help me reflect.

  • Researching places for sunrise/sunset/moonrise/moonset helps me familiarize myself with the places I will be visiting.

  • I love planning spots to photograph at various times. This may include hiking in the dark.

  • I love going to popular spots and seeing if I can do something different than others. Also, when the weather is not ideal, it often makes for better photos.

• Wildlife

  • I love trying to spot animals in the wild. If you haven’t gone out looking for birds, it will change how you see nature. I’m still very new at it and terrible at identifying animals.

  • Researching locations and what animals will be there for that time of year is fun.

  • I love the challenge of something I have almost no control over besides where to take the photos. Just going out there and seeing what you can get; it could be nothing or could be an amazing surprise.

• Family/Couples

  • I love love.

  • I have the opportunity to learn about people, their relationships, and their stories. This helps me be a better person.

  • I have seen many families grow over the years. It’s fun to catch up and reflect on how things have changed.

• Events

  • I have experienced many different types of events and met many people. Most of the events I would never have experienced without photography.

  • I love logistics and seeing the behind-the-scenes. I love photographing the people who make the event possible.

  • I love seeing the reactions of people at events.

The overarching themes are appreciation for life and inspiration from other people.

Refer a friend

With advancements in technology, we are now saving time on tasks. Whether that be direct deposit saving us trips to the bank every other week, snow blowers saving us hours of shoveling, or washers/dryers saving us from manually washing and hanging our clothes to dry, we have much more time to spend on other things.

I wonder if the time saved is being used on meaningful things. Often, we are distracted by social media, which has unintended consequences (at least unintended from the user's point of view). Even if the time is not being used productively, are the activities done during the time saved by technology forming negative habits?

Bad habits are potentially worse than having to spend the time to do certain tasks. Habits like endlessly scrolling on social media and surfing the internet may cause us to change what brings our mind satisfaction. Yes, content sharing adds to connections with others, but could we leverage that time/energy to do something more meaningful? I’ve always felt odd when people know more about celebrities, fictional universes, athletes, and influencers than many of their close family or friends.

I have found that being bored is much more valuable than scrolling on social media. Since this realization, I have cut down on my social media consumption dramatically.

With technology, there is a sense that things should be completed quickly. Applications are so good at filling any time users may have free time, short and long; users have to be mindful about not using the applications. Does it make it harder to think about things that take more time and effort? Is the activation energy higher to do those hard things because more satisfying distractions are available?

Like many aspects of life, if you aren’t intentional about what you do with your time, something/someone will control it for you. Also, I’m not saying I completely control my time, but I’m on a continuous mission to improve.

Refer a friend

There are significant financial barriers to becoming a doctor.

• Undergraduate School: Average of $150k

• Medical School: Average of $240k

• Standardized Tests/Board Certifications: Thousands of dollars

What are the average salaries?

The average salary of a resident is $60k/year.

Source: The White Coat Investor

As you can see, there’s a wide range of salaries depending on the specialty. And within some categories above, there is an extensive range of salaries.

Primary care doctors are on the lower end of the range.

Private practice doctors’ salaries also skew these averages higher. Doctors who work at hospitals may earn much lower wages.

Somehow, society has lumped all doctor salaries with the higher-paying specialties like cardiology/dermatology/surgery (curiously, they are the most often portrayed in media). Those specialties are making more than double the lower-earning specialties.

Fun? Facts? Thoughts?

• It’s weird how much lower pediatric salaries are; it’s like the lives of children are worth less than those of adults? The system has lower insurance reimbursement for children than adults.

• Most attendings don’t get paid parental leave. Residents do.

• Many doctors I’ve talked to think it may have been a much better financial decision to have gone through technology/engineering. This may be true if you consider the cost of medical school and the years of salaries that could be invested during the years of training.

• Physician/Doctor mortgages exist since doctors often have many student loans. These mortgages can often be 0% down but often have a higher interest rate (nothing in life is free).

• Based on personal experience, doctors are most often in relationships with other doctors (it makes sense since they spend so much time together and don’t have to explain the commitment to medicine). However, the second most common is a relationship with someone in engineering/tech; this could be because the engineers/tech people are often financially stable straight out of college. There’s probably much more to it, but it’s not here to explore.

• It was fun seeing residents earning money for the first time in their lives while working >80 hours a week. It was fun helping some of Dr. Viv’s co-residents with their basic finances.

Refer a friend

When I started this post, I wrote about not achieving my "life goals" and how my priorities have changed in thinking about my career. But it seems that I have left out a major reason why life doesn't go as expected: Things I can't control. There are plenty of things you can do to push your life in a certain direction (e.g. improving photography by taking on any type of gig). But there are things you can't control, particularly timing.

2/14/25 Update

I think it’s fun to read back on things I wrote years ago.

Some things haven’t changed. I still love it when people ask me, “How did you like it in Indiana?” We still chat on a daily basis, which is even surprising to me.

In my last update, I was beginning my photography journey and couldn’t have expected where it would take me. I certainly couldn’t expected the move to California (little did I know that I would meet Dr. Viv a few months later, and she would ask me if I would move to California). I couldn’t have imagined a life so close to medicine, particularly through the COVID pandemic.

As I grow older, my expectations for what happens in life have decreased, but my expectations for myself have increased.

Refer a friend

I think about this quote whenever I hear or read about system changes. The system could be the government, a private company, personal relationships, etc.

One of the most common changes is using incentives.

Free stuff is often used as an incentive. At college sporting events, college students are incentivized to go to games with free food and free gear. So the students wait in line for the free stuff and then leave immediately.

In past decades, students were encouraged to read with the promise of free pizza. Now, there are plenty of people who won’t read without incentives, though some will find the intrinsic motivation to read.

In most sports, teams are not incentivized to do better when they are at the bottom of the standings. They are actually incentivized to do poorly with the higher likelihood of better draft picks. Imagine paying to go to a game where a team is trying to lose…

When I'm thinking about incentives in social media, no party is incentivized to remove engagement metrics from non-real users (well, until the majority of the engagement is obviously spam/fake).

Engagement can be measured in followers, likes, shares, comments, and views.
For content creators, they sell their ads (or supported content) by leveraging the number of engagements.
For marketers, they report the engagement of their collaborations/ads.
For social platforms, they earn revenue by selling or prioritizing paid content.

As you can see, there is an incentive for all parties to grow their engagement numbers. Unfortunately, there are not many ways to determine how much of the engagement is genuine; there is not much incentive for the parties involved to measure genuine engagement either. Engagement is noisy, but focusing on the KPIs will be essential to measure true success.

Systems are built to drive people to specific behaviors (both intended and unintended).

Governments push people towards specific behaviors with taxes (e.g. capital gains are taxed at a lower rate than wages). Public assistance can often have “cliff effects,” which push people into poverty traps (e.g., stay under a certain income to remain eligible for assistance).

Many systems are designed with a narrow focus; it is essential to consider the broader view as it may have many unintended consequences.

When I see “irrational” behavior from people, I often look at their environment; more often than not, it results from a system. How is the system encouraging/discouraging them to do something?

Note: This post has been a bit all over the place, but I thought it might be worth publishing to trigger some people to reflect on the systems around them.

Refer a friend

I think everyone can agree that empathy and compassion are crucial to living a quality life. Empathy allows for understanding what others may feel, while compassion is feeling concern/sympathy while wanting to take action to alleviate someone's pain. For the purposes of this post, I'm going to substitute empathy and compassion for E/C.

I want to talk about the times we lose sight of E/C. I would love to say that I have the same amount of E/C at all points in my life, whether in relaxed or stressful times, but that is definitely not the case.

Many people lose all E/C the instant they step into a car; fortunately, I don't! Well, most of the time. I almost lost it one instance when I was taking a right-hand turn and a person was just stopped there; initially, I thought, "What the heck! Why would you stop in the middle of the road so close to a corner?!" Then, I put myself in his situation and thought what if my car broke down. So, I backed up and decided to take the next street; as I was backing up, he got out of the car and started to push his car. So I decided to overcome my first response, parked my car, and helped him push his car out of traffic.

What is it about driving that triggers people to lose E/C? Is it the share number of encounters with other people? The number of instances where drivers have no control? Are people irrational when driving? People are distracted by other things when driving? Are people getting bad directions from their phones? People driving are stressed/anxious about getting somewhere faster? Probably the mix of all those things.

At some point, I accepted that people will be irrational on the roads. To avoid all the negative feelings that come with driving, I have tried to give myself more time to get to my destinations.

One place where I have a decreased sense of E/C is with family (as with many other people I know). This is something I have become keenly aware of as of late. It's so easy to treat someone, who seems to be a constant element in good and bad times, poorly. These are the people who I should treat with more E/C than anyone else in my life. Ironically, my natural instinct is often annoyance; this was probably built from childhood. To combat my instinct, I slow down my reactions when interacting with my family.

Since I am now more aware of when I tend to have reduced E/C, I hope to intentionally improve my mindset in those scenarios.

Refer a friend

Growing up, I loved late nights. Not because I was having fun out and about with my friends; though, I did have those nights. I loved those late nights, particularly during the week, because it is so relaxing. The rest of the world was sleeping; or it was to me.

In Fort Wayne, IN, I loved going grocery shopping past midnight. Often, the floors were being cleaned or the produce was being stocked. There was a sense of independence; there was a sort of agreement between everyone at the store that everyone was there to be there alone. Or that's what I thought, but maybe there were people there reaching out for any human interaction.

There is a similar feeling of isolation in the early mornings. I loved knowing that I would have completed errands before most people had awoken. It would be a wonderful time to clean my car or get a couple of loads of laundry completed. I love the aura of the sun rising and the birds chirping.

In both cases, there is some sort of comfort in knowing that you're not alone. Both are extensions to the day. But they often have an entirely opposite mindset. Early mornings are early starts to the day and about getting the most from what is to come. Late nights are more about reflection about the past and how they can affect the future.

It's interesting that early in a person's life, they are expected to stay up into the late night. While later in life, people often start their days early. In my experience, I've often mixed it up; I love the differences in both and the feeling of the world during the extreme hours.

Refer a friend

With photography, I can look at photos/videos more critically. I often look at photographs and try to determine how they got the photo and what I would have done differently; I’m often on Google Maps or looking at photos on Getty/Imagn. I’m always reflecting on my own photos and sometimes go back to photos I shot in the past.

What am I photographing?

The question determines how I go about photographing. To get the best photograph, I need to know what I’m photographing and understand its behavior and their idiosyncrasies.

• People: What differentiates these people?

  • Athletes/Artists: Understand if they’re a lefty/righty, how they celebrate, their ticks to anticipate what they are going to do, their coaches

  • Family/Couples: What are the family dynamics, what’s the feeling of public display of affection, how to calm children down, do they need help posing

• Weather/Sun/Moon/Sky: What phase is the moon, what time is sun/moon rise/set, where is the moon and sun, is it cloudy, what is in the background or foreground

• Animals: Are they small/big, are they far or close, what season will they be there, where is “there”, interactions between animals, when will they move and where

• Events: Understand the who/what/when/where of the event, things change so know who may have updated information, take charge if you have the ability to

It’s important to acknowledge that you may not have the proper equipment on hand to do an adequate job. If I’m photographing a couple, I probably don’t have the proper equipment to photograph an eagle.

Always keep in mind what you can control and what you can capture with what you have.

Why am I photographing the subject?

Many photographers don't ask themselves this enough. And it’s completely fine to do it for fun and personal satisfaction. For me, that wasn’t enough. I wanted my photos to mean more.

The “Why” changes how I’m photographing a subject.

• For people/couples/family/friends, photos are for memories, sometimes for important milestones. I’ll focus on the people and how to create joy whenever they see the photos.

• News: These photos need to tell the story of the event.

• Marketing: This depends on the client. But this usually includes having clean backgrounds, space for copy, specific look, specific shots of branding.

• Myself: This is what saves me from burnout. I can be as creative as I would like to be. This photography is at my own pace, unlike the other types of photography (which is usually fast-paced).

As you can see, I don’t talk about the settings used. The “what” and “why” determines what settings I’ll use.

Outside of Photography

I’m constantly asking myself, “What am I looking at?” and “Why am I looking at it?”. This helps me determine what is appealing to the eye. However, my sense of style is often not aligned with the mainstream, so I ask myself, “What are they looking at and why?” This helps me build my intuition for design and product.

I’m even more sensitive to social dynamics now that I’m constantly looking, even if I don’t have my camera. Because of that, I’m more empathetic and can navigate situations better.

I pay more attention to lighting; though, not just to understand how it will affect photos. It also affects how people behave and what they feel. With LEDs becoming more prevalent, the environment can be lit in many different intensities/colors/temperatures, and the mood can be set accordingly.

I like to see if I can anticipate what will happen next using what I have seen in the past. I did this before, but I feel more accurate since I’m looking more closely and know what to look for. This is particularly true for sports.

Photography trained my brain to focus on the subject, but it also helped provide context and perspective to the world. It’s seeing two seemingly independent items/events and connecting them. I’ve found that is particularly true with passionate people; they draw inspiration from entirely different industries.

Note: After rereading what I wrote, I realized that much of what I wrote was very basic. There are so many idiosyncrasies that would take so much more time to describe what I’m looking for during various scenarios.

I’ve been trying to improve my self-image of being a photographer, and I think the speed at which I see something and capture it properly has been a strength of mine that has been built over the past several years. This is something I need to be more conscious of when people hire me as their photographer; they are not just paying for X hours of my time but the ability to capture something using the skills I have built over many years. (Similarly to my PM skillset but somehow I’ve struggled to transition the same mindset to photography)

Refer a friend

I would not recommend most people to start dating during residency, particularly intern year. But why not?

Most people get into relationships to be with someone and enjoy life together. Residency isn’t conducive to that. The majority of residency is working at the hospital, writing notes wherever they are (including home), and sleeping. There is no time for much else. You see that I left out eating and drinking? They sneak those in sometimes, but often go the entire day without eating or drinking.

How grueling are the work hours? The system has convinced these poor overworked healthcare workers that having a normal weekend off is amazing enough to warrant calling them “Golden Weekends”.

For the first year, they are essentially starting a new job every month since they are going on rotations they’ve never done before. Can you imagine having a new boss, new colleagues, and new rules/culture to learn every month?!

How did Dr. Viv and I make it work?

Well, I had to sacrifice what a typical dating life would be. I entered the relationship after researching about residency and watching Scrubs (Fun fact: Dr. Cox is based on a doctor Dr. Viv trained with).

Starting from the first date, Dr. Viv was late because of work. This is probably the biggest challenge of dating in residency. Their schedule is entirely unpredictable. You know that family dinner, that ceremony, that wedding? It’s better to have no expectations of having them attend. And if they do end up going, it’s a brilliant surprise!

Never wait for them for dinner. I repeat, never wait for them for dinner. You’ll end up eating late and alone. I learned this lesson far too many times.

When did we spend time together? There are rare days when you know they will have off (but they can often be swapped with others); take advantage of those days to do something out of the routine (though, they may want to just stay home…).

Because so much time is spent on work, you must find creative ways to spend time together. After our second date, I spent time with Dr. Viv while she was home writing notes and eating dinner; often, we worked in parallel and got to know each other more during breaks. Then, I started driving her to and from work; it may seem inconsequential, but I found them invaluable to our relationship.

The house errands were always my job. I “folded” so many pairs of scrubs (“Folded” in quotes because I still don’t know if I’m doing it properly). Doing these tasks helped relieve the stress on Dr. Viv and allowed us to do more enjoyable things when she had free time.

Was I afraid that I would cause Dr. Viv learned helplessness with everything I was doing? Parts of me were because of my experience of learned helplessness, but then I remembered what she was going through (residency, a concept formed by a cocaine-addicted surgeon).

So, I did anything to support Dr. Viv. There were many nights of tears where I felt like I couldn’t help, but just being there for her to lean on was good enough. And I would remind her that we had friends she could talk to who may better understand what she is going through (and she also had a therapist). I like to think that I was often that beam of sunshine on a cloudy day, particularly with my terrible jokes and lack of understanding of the human body.

All the not-in-medicine partners I’ve met in residency/fellowship have been selfless and independent. And it’s not by accident. So many people would be frustrated by how much residency consumes the residents and the people around them, but the partners live through it without complaint. These partners inspire me to be a better partner to Dr. Viv.

Extremely independent is also a trait I’ve noticed in not-in-medicine partners. They tend to keep busy with work (because residency salaries are terrible) and/or take up hobbies. For me, work and photography were my outlets; seeing Dr. Viv work so hard motivated me tremendously. Just because your partner is going to residency shouldn’t mean you shouldn’t grow as an individual.

I love my independent time. I think residency helped Dr. Viv and I set the boundaries for our relationship going forward.

Do you like to listen to work talk? All discussions always lead back to medicine, whether informational, patients, treatments, consults, or workplace gossip. It ALWAYS leads back to medicine. I try to learn during most of the discussion so I often interrupt and ask for not-in-medicine translations. This is fun for me and I’ve learned a ton, but other partners often zone out and do their own thing.

Dr. Viv and I acknowledged that I won’t and can’t be the only person she talks to about challenges. There are countless scenarios that I cannot start to comprehend. I’m grateful that we have an amazing support system that we can go to for various issues. These people were other medical residents or friends from med school.

My advice to partners of residents/fellow is to integrate yourself with your partner’s program. If you’re invited to “wellness” events, go. If there’s a dinner, go. Go to anything that will help you meet and get to know other people. These people are going through the same time and will become your support system for life. I went to events even if Dr. Viv couldn’t make it!

If you’re dating a residency for the money, please please please don’t. They’re poor! If you’re doing it for the money, you should probably just skip to someone who has gone through residency and is making more money (emphasis on more, since not all doctors make surgeon salaries; future post to come on that). Or even better, don’t marry a doctor at all; they often come with loans, and there are better money-making occupations out there.

Residency is where you’ll meet some of your best friends (like I did through Dr. Viv!). Embrace the process. You’ll experience things that most people will not and it will make you a better human. It will probably even come with fun little stories too; like Dr. Viv gave me my first COVID vaccine. I even have a fun Instagram account about being a not-in-medicine partner (@NotInMedicine).

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I've been more intentional about providing feedback throughout all aspects of life. Growing up, I struggled to give positive feedback, probably because I did not see that from my parents or people in my circle. However, I have consciously been doing more of this over the past decade.

There are many benefits of giving feedback. The intended benefit is to improve something in the future or to acknowledge/compliment someone’s actions. But there are more benefits!

The habit of giving feedback gives more intentional moments of thinking. It is to reflect what is going well and what could be improved. It provides a time to be more grateful for things that are often missed (because it being ever present or “too small” to be appreciated).

Note: I’m starting to notice many of my habits are driven to be more intentional and grateful in life.

I have found that I’ve learned more about myself with the feedback I give. Giving feedback often helps me identify what I value. For example, I love it when people are passionate about what they do and share that with others.

I have started appreciating when healthcare providers explain what they are doing. Most recently, when donating blood, the phlebotomist described what they would do and why throughout the donation process. She included explanations of the marking of the veins, squeezing of the hand with a blood pressure cuff, etc. I could clearly see that she is attentive to her patients and is excellent at her work. There was no stinging/pain, and she asked if I had any discomfort (which, unfortunately, isn’t always the case).

My dentist also explained everything she looked at during a regular checkup. I appreciate learning what they are looking for, and it helps assure with their expertise. I told the phlebotomist and dentist I appreciated their explanations and I hope they continue to do it with everyone (knowing that doing it multiple times a day can get tiring).

While giving feedback naturally biases towards what I value, I have been going out of my comfort zone, admiring what isn’t natural for me, and giving people that feedback (e.g., people who can be energized and optimistic when the environment's energy is low).

Giving feedback can also increase transparency. It reduces misunderstandings and can trigger a discussion for clarification; this goes for positive and negative feedback.

Fun Fact: Dr. Viv and I did “Feedback Fridays” at the beginning of our relationship. This exercise was something she did during her residency, and we used the concept for our relationship. I loved this because it gave us time to intentionally seek feedback at a time when many relationships can be delicate and unspoken. This evolved into the comfort of consistently giving feedback.

If the feedback is received as intended, it can help build your relationship with that person. Ironically, people often don’t want to give feedback because it may hurt their relationship. Giving feedback effectively can be challenging and something I’m constantly working on because I know it will help others, myself, and my relationships.

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In my opinion, habit is the key to the prayers’ success.

Prayer is a built-in pause for those who practice. The regularity of praying (sometimes multiple times a day) helps people focus on what they truly care about and their goals. It becomes a time to prioritize things in life and put problems in perspective.

It is also a dedicated time to be grateful and for reflection. This helps the feedback loop in growing as a human.

As someone who doesn’t pray, I intentionally set some time throughout the week to appreciate what I have, reflect, and prioritize things in life. I’m not as consistent as I would like to be since my trigger for it isn’t clearly defined (e.g. before meals or before bed).

Taking time to reflect and prioritize is valuable in all aspects of life. This is undoubtedly one of the primary responsibilities of a product manager, whether with the product and/or how the team executes. As a photographer, I take time before every shoot to determine what I want to work on; after the shoot, while culling/editing, I reflect on what I could have improved. As a med spouse, I’m always trying to help Dr. Viv to put things in perspective; there is so much heartbreak in medicine but there is also just as many jubilant moments (e.g. I never knew how common pediatric kidney transplants are!).

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It eliminates decision-making and reduces energy spent.

Made for Autopilot

Some things can be set and should be on autopilot. These activities are usually simple tasks, have little to no consequences if done incorrectly, and don’t involve emotions. For example, washing your hands after you use the bathroom. It is advantageous to put these activities on autopilot as it would save energy for things that take more intention.

Once you reach an acceptable level at these actions, there is no reason to really spend more time or effort in improving.

Examples: Clothes to wear (think Steve Jobs), What to eat for certain meals/days, maintaining exercising

Should not be on autopilot

Activities that you would like to improve at or could have significant consequences should not be on autopilot.

Engagement is important for many activities. It is the engagement that gives meaning.

Most things that you want to improve in will probably require routines that are not on autopilot. This includes most skills (e.g. leadership, athletics, creativity, communication, technical skills). From what I have seen, the top performers in most fields tend to act with intention; they practice with so much purpose that it may seem like it’s on autopilot at times.

Practicing in a sport should be intentional. If it’s done on autopilot, your performance will plateau. UConn’s Women's Basketball Coach, Geno Auriemma, intentionally reminds his team that the competition will defeat them if they don’t continually get better. Auriemma’s teams make it seem that they win on autopilot but the reality couldn’t be further from that. It’s no wonder why he has the most wins in college basketball (men’s or women’s).

While it makes sense for some activities to be set on autopilot, it can often come with consequences. For example, you can set up autopay for your credit card bills. But if you don't check how much you spend, you may have a tendency to overspend and not save as much as you would like on that house/car/retirement.

Routine vs Autopilot

All autopilot activities are routines. All routines should not be on autopilot.

The issue with autopilot is that the meaning of the activity can lose its meaning or its original intent.

Most things in relationships with people are better done with intention rather than autopilot. This doesn’t mean you cannot have routines with people; on the contrary, they can help relationships. It becomes less valuable when people think they are required to do something because “It’s what we do” rather than the original intent and being engaged.

Just because you go out to date night regularly doesn’t mean you are necessarily spending quality time with that person. If you intentionally spend the time to improve your relationship, then that intent is fulfilled. But if you think it’s enough to be in each other’s presence and on your phones on autopilot, the intent is no longer being fulfilled.

Even if the intent and meaning are intact with the routine, it doesn't mean that the action still aligns with your goals in life. Our behavior and habits should adapt to the stage of life we're in. My ability to stay up to 2AM frequently in my 20's certainly disappeared in my 30's.

How much of autopilot is driven by social pressure rather than your desires?

During most of my teenage years, I stayed in bed longer on the weekends than I would have liked because I thought I was supposed to want to sleep in on the weekends. In every TV show and movie, teenagers hated to wake up on the weekends. My entire life, I never liked sleeping in. Mornings on the weekend have become one of my favorite times because the world is quieter (including grocery stores!).

One of the more common autopilot behaviors today is bringing out the phone at any quiet moment. I’ve been a repeat offender of this. Whenever nothing is happening or there is silence, I instinctively unlock my phone and open an app to distract myself (whether that be checking Instagram, email, Reddit, or finances).

Not all actions will be enjoyable or fun, but they should contribute to your happiness. (I will probably write about types of fun in the future)

Reflection Activity

1. Think about the various things you do that may be on autopilot.

   • Making a list could be helpful

   • It could be helpful to list how much time/effort each item is

2. What do they provide in your life?

3. Reflect on whether you would like to make any changes

   • Not all actions on autopilot are bad, and those that can be done on autopilot will save energy for other parts of your life

   • Would it be valuable if the activity was done with more intentionality?

   • Does the activity align with your life ambitions?

Personal Example

1. Watching Football

   • Minimum of 4 hours for one game. Often multiple games between Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Thursday.

2. Benefits

   • Relaxing watching athletes perform at their best

   • Help determine who I should play on my Fantasy Football team

3. Football was social but mostly through texts and only watch the game with friends only a few times. Fantasy Football added even more time spent on football each week.
   
   When I thought about this a few years ago, I knew I could use the multiple hours every week spent on other aspects of life. This includes exploring my area/community more, setting time to reflect (free from distraction), and photography.
   
   I started by watching only Indianapolis Colts games. Eventually, I stopped altogether. It's not to say that I won't watch football ever again; I would happily join friends if they are having a party or they are going to a game in person.

Common Autopilot Activities

• Morning Routine

• Bedtime Routine

• Watching TV/Movies after work

• Saying "yes" to everything you're invited to

• Turning to social media to distract oneself

• Work

• Eating habits

• Exercising routine

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It has brought me closer to almost everyone in my life. I almost always have my camera on me, but there are many instances where I never use my camera; in those moments, I’m usually being present and don’t think that that moment would be better if it were captured. I’m very intentional about when to take a photo. I believe this is where photographers differ from many cell phone photographers.

There are times I do take out my camera and start taking photos. In these moments, I try to ensure it doesn’t break being present for the subject or me.

I’ve been fortunate to photograph precious moments of individuals, couples, families, and friends. Through the process of taking photos, I get to connect with them in ways I wouldn’t have had the opportunity without it. Often, it is reflection and gratitude for what they currently have; often, it takes a third party to remind people of what they already have. That would be enough to justify the process. The fact that they get wonderful photos to remember a specific moment of their lives is the cherry on top.

For me, photography is a selfish activity. I get so much out of every shoot I do. It could be learning to be a better technical photographer, challenging myself to get a specific shot, relaxing my mind with some landscape photography, etc. But the most incredible feeling is learning about other people’s perspectives and learning how to improve my life.

I love seeing people not trying to be perfect because their genuineness is best. I love seeing some musicians find so much emotion in a song that they cry while they play it. I love seeing parents completely worn out, knowing their child had a wonderful day full of love and learning. I love seeing hard work pay off and people celebrating it with their biggest fans. I love hearing about people's challenges and how it made them stronger. I love seeing people being genuine because their friends encourage them to be. I love seeing the behind-the-scenes people who make everything possible. I love seeing people grow over the years. I love hearing about what’s next and their dreams.

As sappy as it sounds, photography opened my eyes to what it means to be human. I’m inspired by everything and everyone I photograph.

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Consider this a table of contents, a draft of future posts, or seeing the inwards of my mind.

• Focus Mode

  • At first, I felt more perceptive when I have a camera in my hand. Now it’s something I do with or without the camera.

• Diversity

  • With portraits, events, sports, art, product, animal, and other photography, it’s nearly impossible to be bored with photography.

• Organize chaos

  • As a lover of logistics and processes, I love getting deeper into how organizations work. Organizations can be couples, families, sports teams, operational teams, and wildlife.

• Story-Telling

  • I take hundreds or thousands of photos per event. I love distilling it to a select few to tell a powerful story. This is has helped in my PM career as well.

• Learning

  • No matter the type of photography, I found lessons that I could apply to my life. It can be technical skills, ways to grow, how to get in a specific mindset, how to love, and so much more.

• Appreciation

  • I’m incredibly lucky to have photography as a passion. I never want to forget how fortunate I am to photograph the things I do.

• Connection

  • I use photography as a tool to connect with people around me.

If there is anything you think I missed and/or want my perspective on, please let me know!

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While participating in a going-away celebration at a church a few years ago, I realized one of the critical aspects of religion is that it provides an outlet to intentionally talk about life and deeper topics that don't often occur in casual relationships (at least not the relationships I have).

This type of community does not exist quite as often outside of religion. There certainly are not as many places for people to meet as the number of places of worship.

Libraries could be consider as a community gather place but they can only go so far, as many don't allow people to have active discussions or have to cater to everyone (this is something libraries struggle with and often constrains their growth). Churches do a great job accommodating new members from all walks of life and large groups. The predictable nature of their events allows people to join in. Sermons encourage discussions about morality and other elements of philosophy.

Every few years, the sermons often repeat and become reminders for important lessons. This routine is essential and becomes very beneficial.

It would be beneficial for people to have a place to build a community that helps people think about morals, how to better themselves, and build relationships with people. However, it needs to include regular active discussions so everyone in the community can feel welcome by people with similar beliefs.

I’ve been fortunate to have a few friends with whom I have these discussions, but having them with people outside my usual circles could be beneficial. I find the friends I have these discussions are the ones I find most meaningful and can go to when I’m at my highs and lows. It’s special to be able to be able to feel completely vulnerable and understood.

If you have any thoughts on where these communities may exist, please comment or let me know!

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